I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
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Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
this isn’t threatening at all
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.