I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
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My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Botany good plants lately?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery