I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
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Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over