@cravin4

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

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@BGH70

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

@lmegordon

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

@wolfpupy

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

@

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

@BGH70

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.