I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

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I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.


That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.


Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist


a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it


Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell


Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…


Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.