I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

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Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.


*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.


“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same


I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.


People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.


[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”


*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!


Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.


ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?