I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
A huge thanks to the person that did this
guys I’m going home
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
A friend helps you before you need it
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠