@AnkCoupleTO

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

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@QueenVofCoffee

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

@Darlainky

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@babyblue0924

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

@E_lok44

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

@david8hughes

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

@AngryRaccoon2

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

@SufficientCharm

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?