I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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the noise i just made
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this