I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.