I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
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If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Would you wear it?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.