I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
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Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Every time my phone rings
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.