I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
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These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Same pineapple, same
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
socratic questions
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.