I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
me adding lol on a serious message
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.