I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
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rise and shine we got egg
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin