@LindseyEllison2

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

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@CarolinaSong

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

@NikatNiteNite

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

@Jesssicle

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

@kDuncanG

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

@TuSoonShakur

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

@mjkspeaks

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

@AlexvanBeek

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.