“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
hear me out : pockets for your socks
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
time machine? you mean a clock?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true