i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
You Might Also Like
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up