Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.