I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.