I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
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I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
when u come home smelling like another dog
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.