I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Always 🥴