I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
