I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me in tagged photos
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.