I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Cat is stressing him out.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.