@2tickytacky

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

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@girl_a_whirl

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

@keelyflaherty

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

@LoveNLunchmeat

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

@bopinklady

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

@jlock17

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

@funnyhumour

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

@AnOrangeSNES

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

@SlabBaconBP

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

@dshack8

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.