I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
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I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I’ve had worse
The days of good grammer has went
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.