I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much