I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.