I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.