I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
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Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
This has made my week.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too