I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
courtroom exchange of the day
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me