I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
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Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.