I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
You Might Also Like
Perfect.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.