I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
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Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I ate everything, including the H.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
