I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.