@SaraESpivey

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

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@internetluke

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

@Green_EyedMama

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

@Elizasoul80

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

@ILikeFaucet

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

@bjaynash

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

@weinerdog4life

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

@warbird622

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

@AmishSuperModel

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

@clichedout

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

@torrami

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁