I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
You Might Also Like
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.