I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

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A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.


You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math


“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones


Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?


Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.


Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors


Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……


According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.


boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out


My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁