“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
what the hell pray for carter everyone
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”