Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

How many? 🤔

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Finally, a door that understands me

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*