Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Danger is very dangerous

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard