I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Maths meets science
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
mood
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.