I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.