I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
IT’S-A ME,
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes