I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
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Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.