I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?