i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
oh my god
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
A classic…
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that