I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
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It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”