Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t