@wingzfly Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
@jnellbg I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
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@wingzfly 
@Reverend_Scott I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
@BrassBallsCJ Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
@UncleDuke1969 “Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
@baronvonbike I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
@ThatBrenna Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
@primawesome Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
@Death_Buddy [spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
@OllyiConic SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t