I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers