@jnellbg

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

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@wingzfly

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

@Reverend_Scott

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

@BrassBallsCJ

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

@UncleDuke1969

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

@baronvonbike

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

@primawesome

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

@

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

@Death_Buddy

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

@OllyiConic

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t