I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.