I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT