I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
What is going on? 😅
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there