i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!