I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I want to meet the individual who made this
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
S M O L
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
When they try to steal your moment.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.