I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Sell your car
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.