I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.