i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
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Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”