I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
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it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever